Did you know today was a holiday? After a weekend of low-effort costumed drunks fighting, fucking, and puking in front of my apartment—sometimes simultaneously—I thought we were done this year’s glorified national Santacon. But no. Halloween is today. Let us breathe the heavy sigh of the defeated.

Adulthood may have jaded me to the once simple, pre-diabetic pleasures of accepting candy from complete strangers and gobbling it down by the pillowcaseful, but dominos are still pure and good—like the pumpkin dance guy or expensive cocaine.

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Here’s to simpler times, maybe buying a Baby Ruth on the way home, and an early bedtime.