Scientists find herpes and coke in Fifty Shades of Grey books

Bacteriology and toxicology researchers have found volumes infected with herpes and traces of cocaine in all the copies of Fifty Shades of Grey at a public library. According to these experts, modern drugs tests will be able to detect traces of coke from the books in your body after reading them.

The herpes virus was also found in Pieter Aspe's Tango, which is not an erotic book but a detective novel. All the books examined at a public library in Antwerp—where the study took place—also contained traces of cocaine.

The bad news is that, according to Professor Jan Tytgat of the Catholic University of Leuven, modern drug testing methods "are so sensitive that traces of the drug originating from a contaminated book will be found in your hair, blood and urine."

The good news is that you can lick and rub your private bits with all these books all you want. The quantities are not high enough to give you herpes or—sadly for those into blow—get you high says Tytgat: "The levels found won't have a pharmacological effect. Your consciousness or behaviour won't change as a result of reading the tomes."

Bonus: If you get infected or flagged in a drug test you can always blame any crappy book from the public library.