This horrifying metal octopus is “The Only Seven Person Tricycle,” and its human victims are being slowly devoured by bad decision-making. Lets try to understand what we’re looking at here.

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So who would make such a thing?

It’s made by Hammacher Schlemmer, the 170-year-old mail order curiosity company. Some of the catalog’s most popular products include a generic Roomba, a film negative-to-digital converter (it’s cordless!), and some very comfortable sheepskin slippers.

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Huh, OK. So what’s it going to cost me?

It’s $20,000.

You’re kidding, right?

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No, it costs $20,000. Plus $650 in shipping and handling. Split seven ways that’s a little under $3,000 each.

Does anyone have six friends who are Hardcore Tricycle Enthusiasts?

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Probably not. There are a few trike-themed Facebook groups, but they’re mostly aimed at racing the motorized variety. Also, this thing weighs 400 pounds.

Fuck me.

Right? So it’s not like you can toss it in the truck for a fun day at the park. And even if you could move it, there’s no way you won’t spend the entire ride smashing your knees into the ridiculous basket-shaped handlebars or the other riders.

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Totally. Does it facilitate “close-knit conferencing during joyrides?”?

You’d better believe it does, buddo! Although here are a few other ways to get that same experience:

  • Walking in a group
  • Jogging in a group
  • Driving together in a car
  • Being near one another in a subway
  • Riding bikes alongside your friends
  • Sitting on a couch in the back of a pickup truck
  • Riding bikes in a long stupid line and just shouting

Is everyone in this short commercial some sort of sociopath?

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You already know the answer.

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