Edward Snowden can't stay in Moscow's airport forever. The American whistleblower hero needs to get to a safe haven in Bolivia or Iceland or wherever, before he is assassinated by Barack Obama's drones.

Why not dress like Vladimir Putin dressed as a horseman warrior and just ride into the forest?

Summer is way too hot for that heavy fur costume. Snowden can put on one of these popular "Putin chest suits" and ride his mount to freedom!

Russia has no problem sending its spies to America. Snowden just needs to dress like beautiful KGB agent Anna Chapman, and he'll be living in New York and posting sexy pictures to Facebook in no time at all.

Or just put on a balaclava and [Russian word for Presto!] you're an international human rights hero who ... gets sent to Russian prison? This may not be the best choice, although it's certainly an easy costume, as Pussy Riot proved with its endless instant band members.

Snowden could also go as a giant transvestite Soviet military leader. The whole USSR thing is really coming back, in Russia, so there's instant respect for anybody in a Soviet-era uniform.

Another good idea for a disguise is "Rasputin." It just takes a Hagrid wig and beard, and a pipe. Unfortunately, Rasputin was stabbed, poisoned, shot, clubbed and then dumped in an icy river, so this may not be the best escape plan.

Circus bear costume + motorcycle = perfect escape as people applaud and children laugh.

The main Russian export these days are prostitutes. From Miami to Bangkok, Manhattan to Mexico, these diplomats of love (and sex-worker trafficking and heroin addiction) are always staggering out of Aeroflot jets at airports around the world.

One thing of many things that Russian circus bears and Russian cosmonauts have in common is the fact that everybody looks the same under these disguises. Snowden could be on a rocket out of Russia in no time, if only he had a spacesuit.

The best idea, ultimately, is to just climb inside a giant bottle of Vodka and be "exported" to the country of his choice. Good luck, Ed! Thanks for revealing the extent of the American political/corporate surveillance state!

[Photos via Getty; bottom photo via Costume Works.]

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