Which kind of idiot would buy a plastic case for a plastic iPhone?

29 bucks. That's what Apple wants you to spend in a plastic case that will make your new plastic iPhone 5C look like a game of Connect Four. Today, Apple has turned the iPhone case market into a pathetic parody of itself.

Not that it wasn't already a pathetic parody, mind you. It was. A sad joke. A way to milk fanbeciles out of their hard earned money with expensive pieces of molded plastic. Because, while I can understand people wanting to protect their all-glass iPhone 4 and iPhone 4S with a case, I just would never, in a fucking million years ever, be able to understand why would anyone want a fucking plastic case for a the metal iPhone 5unless that was a case that covered the screen. It's as stupid and garish as your old aunt's plastic-wrapped sofa.


With the iPhone 5C, the level of imbecility has reached new heights. Why the hell would you need a case for your plastic iPhone 5C that actually looks like a generic Chinese plastic color case in the first place?

Because, if you think about it, that's what Apple is trying to sell you: a last-year iPhone 5 encapsulated in a plastic case encapsulated in a plastic color case with holes. What's next? A plastic iPhone 6C that is encapsulated in a plastic case that is encapsulated in another case like a goddamn Matryoshka?


Seriously, if you get a plastic case for your plastic iPhone I hope you die and burn in hell with the rest of the idiots.

Apple's iPhone 5C Case Looks Like a Cheese Grater Made for a Toddler

Just because Apple now has a mid-range phone that they're hocking for cheaper doesn't mean it's not getting the same love and attention it deserves. Case in point: the "cool line of custom cases just for the 5C" that show off the contrasting colors with 35 circular cutouts. Thirty-five. Circular. Cutouts.

Granted, these could look fine, assuming you get the same color as your iPhone 5C. But that's not the point—Apple wants you to mix-and-match! Or more explicitly, it wants you to carry around what looks like a tool that lets infants work on their hand-eye coordination. A+ for self-improvement, I guess.


Being the fancy phone, though, the iPhone 5S naturally gets a nicer case, a more adult case—a leather case.


They look like they could be ok! The colors are great, but the fact that they're leather certainly makes a statement—this is Apple's expensive phone, and it comes with expensive accessories made of expensive materials because status. Alternative statement: F*ck you, PETA.

Photo Credit: Alex Washburn/WIRED