It's almost impossible to read this Craigslist personal ad—if you could get past the first three paragraphs without punching the screen—and not wonder which kind of personality disorder affects the man who wrote it. It's so weird that it may actually be a diabolic plan to troll Jezebel's writers.
You know when a personal ad on Craigslist has a FAQ, you're in for the ride of your life.
Ladies, are you looking for a "nice, mature , 'gentleman.' with a higher college degree and education"? Who is "[b]etter than 99% of what you will find, GUARANTEE #1."
Well, as long as you're a "[g]ood girl for friendship and romance. You would be treated very well and nobody will treat you better (GUARANTEE #2). HOWEVER IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN . . .YOU HAVE TO BE. . . 'Worthy,' 'Deserving' and 'Reciprocate,'" then there's one man on Craigslist who can fulfill your saddest dreams/most terrifying nightmares.
** PLEASE READ THIS ENTIRE AD CAREFULLY BEFORE CONTACTING ME INCLUDING THE FAQs/COMMENTS AT THE END. THANK YOU.
(P.S. If you contact me it will be assumed you have read, understood and agree with everything on this page. If you disagree or don't like anything please don't contact me. On the other hand, "If you SNOOZE, you lose. . .") NOTE: I WILL TEST YOU early in the first communications/interactions between us to know if you are real, honest, motivated, serious, etc. Please take this as a fair and friendly prior warning.
ME = A very nice, mature , "gentleman." with a higher college degree and education. I have my own house (not apartment), car, income, etc. I am of Middle-Eastern descent (Iranian/Persian). A professional man with a GOOD BACKGROUND. Better than 99% of what you will find, GUARANTEE #1.
YOU = Good girl for friendship and romance. You would be treated very well and nobody will treat you better (GUARANTEE #2). HOWEVER IN ORDER FOR THIS TO HAPPEN . . .YOU HAVE TO BE. . . "Worthy," "Deserving" and "Reciprocate."
Aside from his "questionable" use of quotation marks, this dude sounds like a real "catch".
IF you provide me with ALL 6 items requested, I will respond back to you within 24-hrs. I will check and ask if you first read, understood and agree to everything on this page including the FAQs/Comments and subsequently request your cell # to text you my photo and to become more acquainted at the same time. Afterwards, we will talk on the phone too and set-up a day/time to meet.
IF YOU WANT A RESPONSE, please E-mail (1) your name, (2) your email address, (3) your location (city), (4) your age, (5) your ethnicity and (6) your current & clear photo (within the last 3 months). CURRENT means how you look "today," NOT "yesterday." For example, if you had long and black hair yesterday but short and blonde today, don't send me a photo showing your "older or previous" look. CLEAR means NO "hats," "sunglasses" or "fuzzy" photos and so forth. Your ETHNICITY means your "country" of origin or where your ancestors came from.
If your email message is incomplete (does not include all 6 items above), ignorant, disrespectful or sarcastic you will NOT get a response. NO exceptions or excuses. The email gets deleted without paying any attention to it. DO NOT contact me if you are unwilling or unable to exchange phone #, talk on the phone and meet in person within a few days or possibly the same day.
He goes on to detail his wants and needs in a potential companion (which you probably won't be, as it is next to impossible to fulfill this man's set of companion demands).
* Note #1 - I am open to girls from different ethnicities, sizes, races and ages 18-27. If you are older than 27 please include information about your EDUCATION and WORK/JOB BACKGROUND in addition to the 6 items requested above.
(P.S. Regardless of the age you tell me, don't be surprised if I ask to see your ID or Birth Certificate to verify).
At least this guy is an equal opportunity dater — well, as long as you're not over 27 years old. If you are, be prepared for a full cavity search and criminal background check. AND NO PREGNANT CHICKS:
*Note #2 - If you are currently pregnant or have children, it won't work out. DO NOT contact me.
You might be convinced that this is the man for your pregnant ass, but you are dead wrong. Walk away, bumpy. This treasure chest only has "respect" for childless women.
Which brings us to Note #3— wherein you will learn that all of your dating problems have to do with you, shrieking harpy rant generator!
* Note #3 - Remember something ladies, especially THOSE OF YOU who "Complain" about "Men." The problem is NOT "Men." The problem is YOUR "Pick," "Selection" and "Taste" in men. Do you see the difference? Choose "Better" men and you will have "Better" experiences with men. GET IT? I tell all ladies the same thing. Either you appreciate, value and can recognize a "good" man (gentleman) or you don't. If you do, you benefit (win). If you don't, you lose. The smart ones do and the dumb ones don't. WHICH ONE ARE YOU??
And then we get to the 28 question deep FAQs. Hoo boy. There's really nothing to say, because boyfriend says it all. (I'll wake you up at the end if you fall asleep midway through.)
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) & Comments. . .
1) Question: If you are such an amazing guy then why are you still searching or single?
Answer: Good question. Did you read my headline? It says, looking for a "Worthy and Deserving" girl. By this, I mean, "mature," "intelligent," "responsible," "grateful," etc. That's like finding a needle in a haystack. Basically, I'm looking for "quality" over "quantity" so that takes longer to find.
2) Question: Most guys say they are great or a gentleman. How do I know that's really you?
Answer: Good question. I also find that most girls tell me they are a "Good Girl" too or "Worthy and Deserving" but often that's not the case either. Thus, the best and ONLY way to really know if the guy or girl is "great," is by spending a lot of time with them and getting to know them by dating and having conversations, etc. Otherwise, you will never know for sure. This works both ways for men and women. The man has to "test" the woman and vice-versa.
3) Question: Do you really think online dating is a good or serious place to find what you are looking for? Do you really take this serious? Afterall, this is Craigslist.
Answer: What do you have to lose by trying? You never know for certain unless you try. Right? If you have a negative expectation, the results will be the same. Thus, I look at "online" places like Craig's List as another place with "potential" and "possibilities" instead of looking at it from a negative or pessimistic perspective.
4) Question: I'm not in California. I currently live in Dallas, Texas. Is that OK?
Answer: No. If you live "outside" of Southern California it will be very difficult or impossible for a real friendship or relationship requiring an "airplane" for traveling and meeting.
5) Question: We are in different counties, towns or cities. Is that OK?
Answer: Yes. As long as we are both in "Southern" CA. it's not a major problem UNLESS you are unwilling or unable to "drive" —OR- use public transportation including the bus or train. I will drive to you but you must also be able or willing to travel to me and to some equal extent. I may ask you to drive or travel to me on the first meeting to "test" if you are serious. The focus and priority is on the "person" not their distance. If you allow "distance" to distract your attention from the main focus (the two people) or use "distance" as your excuse then DO NOT contact me because you have your priorities and focus out of line. (P.S. I am in the Antelope Valley - Lancaster & Palmdale Area - which is in LA COUNTY). Check the map if you are unfamiliar.
6) Question ("Comment"): I don't want to do any traveling. I want to find someone close to me or in the same city.
Answer: And I wish we lived in a "perfect" world and everything was across the street from my house or within walking distance so none of us would need cars, trains or airplanes. Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect or ideal world. This world is full of "challenges" for everyone. Relationships (especially "successful" ones) require enormous time, energy and effort from both man and woman. Relationships are like a full time "JOB." It's NOT "EASY." If you are not able or willing to commit to the challenges of the "job" then you are not ready for the "job." It's that simple. (P.S. If everyone could find someone close to them or across the street, then none of us would need to be looking online for someone. Right? Get it?).
7) Question: What exactly are you looking for?
Answer: A romantic (intimate) relationship and long-term (on-going) girlfriend. This also includes the "possibility" of marriage. Thus, if this is not what you are looking for then you SHOULD NOT contact me. (P.S. I am NOT looking for a Facebook, email, telephone, texting or platonic friend. I am NOT looking for patients or customers either. So don't contact me for anything besides what is described above).
8) Question:I'm a lesbian. I do not date men. Are you cool with meeting someone that wants to be "just friends"?
Answer: See answer #7 above. I am NOT looking for "just friends." You are in the wrong section. This is the romance section called "Men Seeking Women." You should be looking under "STRICTLY PLATONIC."
9) Question: I'm only 18 or 20. Don't you think you are too old for me?
Answer: DEPENDS on your level of "MATURITY," mental growth, intelligence and overall cognitive understanding. If you are MATURE for your age it shouldn't be a problem unless you are still playing with barbie dolls, teddy bears, video games, etc. I'm in my 30's (Between 30-39). I won't tell you my exact age until we meet so don't ask beforehand.Generally speaking the MAN should be OLDER than the woman because females mature or age faster than males (both physically and mentally). This is a scientific fact. For example, females reach puberty on average at age 9 or 10. Males don't reach puberty until 14 or 15 on average. Another reason why bigger or older age gaps work better is because older men have more resources, maturity, education, life experiences, etc., to provide, treat or care for a woman properly.Generally, men under age 40 are still considered "young" while women under 30 are considered "young." Age has a different meaning and consequence for men and women.
10) Question ("Comment"): You sound or seem rude, aggressive, controlling or cocky. Just like my asshole ex-boyfriend or husband.
Answer: And you sound ignorant just like my XXXXX ex-girlfriend. It's ignorant and ridiculous to judge someone so quickly without ever talking to them, meeting them and not even spending 10 minutes with them. Trust me, I am not like your ex-boyfriend or husband. I'm much better. Don't be quick to judge someone (especially negatively) until you really get to know them which takes time.
11) Question: Are you at least 6 foot tall? Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
Answer: NO. And if this is your first focus or priority don't contact me. Instead, you need to FIRST "educate" yourself about the keys to success and happiness in relationships. These are not based on how many tattoos or inches on a ruler.
12) Question: OK, so now what? I emailed you and never got a response back. Will I be sure I will get a response back?
Answer: The ONLY reason(s) you didn't get a response is/are, (1) You did not include ALL "6" items requested, or (2) Your message was rude, disrespectful or sarcastic in some way, or (3) I never got your email. Simply re-send and wait for a response within 24-hours.
13) Question: I am super cute and have a great body. Are you good enough for me?
Answer: Tell me something about yourself that I or other men cannot $$ PURCHASE $$ for a few dollars off the street and you will have my attention. Being cute or attractive is no doubt appealing but NOT sufficient. Sadly and more humorous, most girls think just being "cute" or "pretty" will get them far or that's all they need to be successful with men. Sorry, this is not the case especially with smarter and more intelligent men with resources. We know better and not easily fooled by just a "pretty" girl. You need more than "pretty" ladies, especially if you want something real, serious or long-term with a man.
14) Question: I have tattoos and piercings and sometimes I like to dye my hair different colors. Is that OK with you?
Answer: It's OK. I am more concerned about how you talk and behave with me and if you respect and appreciate a good man. That is the starting point and not how many tattoos you have UNLESS most or entire body is covered in tattoos or piercings or you got them when you were in prison. If so, we need to talk about it some more.
15) Question: Do you drink alcohol like beer or liquor? Do you smoke or do any type of drugs? Do you mind if I do?
Answer: NO and I don't mind if "you" do but this also depends on "your" frequency, type and reason for use or consumption.
16) Question: I like to be "spoiled" and I want to know how much you are going to spend on me. How much?
Answer: You sound like a gold-digger or prostitute. My headline says "Gentleman" or "Professional" it doesn't say $ATM$ Machine. If you are looking for an ATM Machine to finance and "spoil" yourself look somewhere else. You have to appreciate the company of a "gentleman" and at the same time appreciate any amount he spends on you, if any. He has no obligation to spend a dollar on you BUT he MAY depending on what he thinks you are worthy and deserving of (not what you think) and how well you reciprocate and show appreciation for it. If you are focused on his money instead of him or if you are a gold-digger, escort or prostitute don't bother. (P.S. I don't need to be online to find a XXXXX. Many of them walk the streets a few blocks from my house everyday and are easily accessible. Get it?)
17) Question ("Comment"): Sorry, I passed out in bed and wasn't able to call or text you back. Now I am in bed sick, I have a sore throat. My phone battery died too.
Answer: I think I have heard you say that before or that you had to take your dog to the vet or something else. If you have a tendency to make "excuses" for a lot of things, then you probably aren't ready for any friendship or relationship for that manner. So that gives you a hint. If you are an "excuse-maker" don't contact me. It won't get you far with me.
18) Question: Do you have any children? Do you have a wife or ever been married?
19) Question: Hey I am looking for someone for my friend or sister and I thought your ad was cool. I want to introduce you to her. Is that OK?
Answer: That's good but I didn't hire you as my "match-finder." Thus, you can have your friend, sister or relative review this page and THEY can contact me directly as they wish. That works better. I am not really interested in talking to the "middle" person nor is that the best way to approach it.
20) Question: What type of music do you like? Do you like dogs? I need to know before I send you any information about myself.
Answer: NO other information about me besides what is already stated here until you supply the "6" items requested. Why? I don't want to spend a lot of time answering your questions UNTIL I know who you are and know you are serious. This will give me confidence that I'm not wasting a lot of time answering questions to a fake or phony person. As of right now, and if you have been reading this far, you know A LOT more about me than I know about you.
21) Question ("Comment"): I can only text or email you -OR- I can't talk much over the phone —OR- I will let you know in a few days when we can meet.
Answer: Seems like you aren't too serious and aren't looking for something real or serious either. If you are looking for a "texting" relationship or uncertain as to what exactly you want, then DO NOT contact me. If you have read this far, it should be clear to you what I am looking for.
22) Question ("Comment"): I am scared of "Internet" dating. I don't meet anyone from the Internet.
Answer: Then why are you on the "Internet" and searching here? You don't get into a car and start driving and then tell your passengers inside the car that you are afraid to drive. Either you are scared or not. Do yourself a favor. On the top right of your screen there is a "Log-Out" or "X" button. Close your screen and turn off your computer and hopefully your fear will go away soon.
23) Question ("Comment"): I am going to be evicted from my house and will be homeless soon. My parents are also going through a divorce and I have to go to Court next week.
Answer: Sounds like you have a lot of personal problems or distractions in your life at the moment. It's best to resolve whatever your personal tragedies or challenges are first and before you pursue a relationship with someone. DO NOT contact me if you are too distracted from personal matters in your life because you are not ready to be in a real/serious relationship.
24) Question ("Comment"): I have to work all this week and my school starts the week after. I am super busy and don't have time to meet or date for some time.
Answer: Similar to answer #23 above. It sounds like you don't have time for a "relationship" either which is like another "JOB." You have to be "available" and willing to set aside time to show up to the "JOB." You have to resolve whatever "outside" distractions or obstacles you have (i.e., other jobs, school, etc) so you can be available for at least 2-3 full days per week and at various times including weekends for dating, hanging out, etc. DO NOT contact me if you are too "busy" or "unavailable" because you are not ready to be in a real/serious relationship. You will not make any progress in that matter and in the area of relationships.
25) Question ("Comment"): I can't date or go out unless my parents give me permission —OR- I have to be home by 10 pm because my parents will get mad —OR- My sister is next to me right now so I can't talk on the phone.
Answer: If you are 18 or 30 years old (legal adult) and your parents or siblings still "control" your decisions, then please don't contact me. I am not looking to "babysit" anyone or let you make me feel I am with a child. You must be "free" from the decision or control of your parents, siblings or anyone else, otherwise this will interfere with the ability to focus on each other WITHOUT outside interference or distractions. This does not mean you shouldn't respect or listen to your parents or other family members or that I am unwilling to meet or talk with them. It means that you should be able to control your own decision making and not tell me "I need to get my mom or dad's permission. . ." or "I can't go out tonight because my parent's or sister won't let me. . ." and things of that sort.
26) Question ("Comment"): When you come pick me up, park down the street and not next to my house because I don't want my parents or anyone to see us —OR- I can't kiss you now because I don't want someone to see us or in the car together.
Answer: Similar to answer #25 above. It sounds like you are under the control of others and/or too immature, shy or embarrassed to be in a romantic relationships and/or concerned about "others" more than you are about "us." I am NOT looking for a "secret, discreet or immature" relationship but something "open," "romantic," "mature," "friendly" and "formal." Get it?
27) Question: Why can't you XXX?! —OR- I want to know why XXX!?.
Answer: Asking questions is fine but "arguing" is NOT attractive. You have a right to disagree BUT if your intention is to "argue," just do us both a favor and don't contact me at all. Men, in general, are TURNED-OFF by aggressive or argumentative woman BECAUSE it is characteristic of a traditional "masculine" person and NOT someone feminine. Have you heard of the "Bitch" stereotype? That's what I mean. When men date the opposite sex they don't want to feel they are with another man but with a female. If this is your style, please DO NOT contact me because we won't get along.
28) Question: I don't think I'm your type or will have any chance with you. Should I still contact you?
Answer: You are welcomed and encouraged to contact me UNLESS you are not serious, don't like or disagree with anything I have stated in this ad or profile.
He ends things with:
** Thank you for taking the time to read my entire ad (profile) **
So thoughtful! Well, at least he knows that it took tons of your motherfucking time to read that insanity. At least there's that?
Now, don't everyone email him at once. The internet could crash! Perhaps we should make a list? You go first.
Image by Jim Cooke, source image via Shutterstock.